As you may all have noticed I’ve been a little quiet lately, which instantly should have sent up warning flags that I was struggling but somehow I missed the subtle signs until it became a glowing neon WARNING DANGER LIES THIS WAY sign.
I was saying things like “you’ve been busy setting up Aunty Emz Blankets ” my new business. I at first got all the things needed to run it as a physical Market Stall at the Fishermans Road Sunday Market, which was an interesting learning curve. Then deciding that antisocial autistic traits and market stall selling are mutually exclusive and can not be put together without total nuclear meltdown occurring I did not as I once would have done tell myself to toughen up and make myself continue to do something that was creating extreme mental and physical stress in my life and said no more markets. Should have been a wooooo hoooo moment I broke a bad behavioural pattern so why was I still feeling so anxious and stressed?
I then discussed with friends the possibility of starting a fully online business and asked my friend who started her own Facebook based business Sewology earlier this year a million questions. I decided this was a path I could comfortable go down, after all I’m good with data not people. So I did a fare amount of research and then bit the bullet sat down and created my Facebook page, Instagram Account, Pinterest account and attempted with much mutterings, swearing and cursing the imbeciles who wrote the code that should have made it “SIMPLE” to link them all together. We’re still working on getting it all working and oddly it’s the type of challenge I enjoy because yes I’m a total IT NERD.
So why was my anxiety starting to sky rocket? Why was I showing all the signs of heading for a massive depressive episode? Why could I suddenly not read a book? Why was I struggling to write in my journal? Why could I not find the energy or words to write my blog? Why was I totally mentally off balance? Why was I grumpy, short tempered and irritable?
Was it the full moon? Maybe but then the full moon passed and I was still mentally and emotionally regressing.
Was it an over full social schedule? Maybe so I cut it back and nope still regressing and slowly unravelling.
Was it because I was unwell? Ummm no because I didn’t get unwell with my sinus infection until last weekend but the regression to totally mentally unstable had been going on for some time.
Then something happened last week at work and at first I had the “OMG my boss is upset with me, I’m not doing this job well enough, I need to work harder……blah blah blah”. Having mapped my stress responses as part of my Behavioural Modification Techniques the warning bells went off like an air-raid siren in my head.
The NOTHING IS WORKING IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU SUCK AT THIS JOB message is one that I used to get a lot and to compensate I’d work longer and longer hours, I’d obsessively do tasks till it was perfect, I’d document everything I did to prove to my boss I was doing my job and hoping for positive feed back to let me know I wasn’t a total loser.
However the whole pretty please say I’m good at my job and give me positive comments to validate I’m a worthy human being mindset is very very very dangerous because you’re placing your emotional and mental self worth in the hands of someone else.
After shock at the underserved verbal attack, I got really pissed off after all a lot had happened in 4 weeks that I was NOT HAPPY about. I then emotionally shut down and analysed the issue like I would if it wasn’t me personally involved in this and came to a realisation.
Same shit different job – What HR hired me to do is not what the boss actually wants me to do so I’m suddenly trying to do a job I’m totally unsuited or unqualified to do, which creates a huge amount of stress and anxiety.
The person who originally offered me the job we’ll call her HR described the job as a data processing and procedure mapping job. Where I would go in fix up the data, streamline processes and write procedures to standardise the day to day running of the business so the owner could step back (retire) and still have the business making money without him having to micro-manage it. Knowing full well my autism means I do NOT do customer service and I can’t do large amounts of phone work I was assured the job would be mostly data minimal people and I would not be required to do customer service of any variety. There might be the occasional call I would need to answer but largely I’d be left alone to work my magic.
The boss had totally different ideas. My job is first and foremost to spend as much time on the phone calling clients to book jobs for the technician with the expansion to booking all jobs for both the boss and the technician plus arranging travel etc. Secondly run the shop and do all customer service in the shop even if other staff are available to do this job. Possibly if there is enough time remaining work on other projects.
At first I thought ok I can talk to HR and hopefully she’ll sort it out with the boss and at that though I wanted to vomit because been there done that and it never goes well all it does is make both HR and Boss pissed off at me.
So I decided I’m resigning because the job I was hired to do is not the job I’m doing and I made it perfectly clear to HR before I was hired I DO NOT DO CUSTOMER SERVICE JOBS it’s not my fault that others bad communication skills created this situation and I refuse to let my mental health be damaged trying to do a job I am totally unsuited to doing.